Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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