in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
