I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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