I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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