what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
