mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
