During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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