She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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