I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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