I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think my moral compass just broke
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
