how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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