I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
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He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today