new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
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Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.