i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
