I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
