Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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