He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
