peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
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I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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