If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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