I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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