he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
