Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
