I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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