If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
