Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
