You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
