There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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