Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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