if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
