I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
