omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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