You're my little dorito
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
