guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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