I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
