Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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