i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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