Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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