I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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