Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
