I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
