I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
