I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
