your parents love me but you hate me
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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