How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
