Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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