Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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