threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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