you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
