I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The best revenge is premature balding
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
