I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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