I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
