I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
