Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
