is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
