Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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