First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
