i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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