i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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