just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
