Too much gin, very little bucket
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
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