Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
