she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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