Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
