The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
