8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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